The Bike ride continued, but the mind inside!
With the current climate changing and we find ourselves still in lock down, I felt again it was time to write a bit more about my daily struggles and hopefully allow you all to take some comfort and notice that it is ok to not be ok.
When you struggle, you struggle. Most days I feel that I cannot rest as I believe something is just round the corner that is going to send me down into the Darkness. My emotions are like a turmoil, one minute I can be happy the next I disappear down the hole into the places I don’t want to go, back to self-harm to escape what I am feeling.
When I was hurting I expressed myself in the wrong ways, I was hurting and didn’t have an outlet so I went the wrong direction. This became the issue, since trauma as a young child I have struggled to express my emotions in more ways than one, I find it hard to tell people I am in pain, and I struggle to trust after what I went through. Talking always led to more pain and suffering, not just on my part but it hurt others to hear what I had to say. Over the years it became more a habit to be silent, but slowly I am learning talking is best, don’t hold within.
People wear masks to hide themselves from the world and portray another person, I wear a mask in full daylight but unfortunately that is my own face. For years until recently I would hold in that I was hurting and take it out on myself as I was afraid to talk – people would not understand, they would fear me, they would see me in the wrong light and largely I was a failure. To have these thoughts going through you is so deliberating that you fall into the Darkness without shield to protect you. Which is where I learnt to talk and express my pain and emotions helped to cushion me and allow me to become more open, the more I talk about my darkness the easier I have found it to bear.
Reaction to other people’s darkness is always varying hence why I have never expressed before these words, you thoughts always lead you to worst areas. I always tend to try and hide in the office as I feel even just to say hello or good morning I am intruding on that person’s life and at the end of the day they don’t want to talk to me, I’m not worth their attention. This is a true part of my life which I am slowly trying to better by forcing myself to interact more, even though it is one of the scariest things I have ever done. Opening up yourself to others after years of isolation and shielding is a big step and its one I take gladly as since I admitted to having a problem I have never felt so supported in my life.
The darkest times are always when I was alone, I had no one to physically stop me hurting myself and control my emotions as when someone was there I could be strong and put the mask on to hide that I was fine. Company really in my case does save you from yourself. So in those times I slipped, I fell! I needed to find a distraction so I started to build lego, write notes on pieces of paper with positive thoughts on them, listen to comedy, use fidget gadgets, walk and drive. These helped me at many times to come out of the Darkness into a place where I knew I was safe and would not fall all the way.
So I like to finish off to remind us all that we are strong people who fight through challenges and emotional times with the ending hopefully being bright surrounded with satisfaction that you won the fight. Talking and supporting one another is key, without those relationships we would not be the brave people we are and I never would have sought the help that I desperately needed or had the courage to share my darkness with you all.
If a person like me can fight and win, so can every single one of you. The belief and strength that each one of us has is supported by our friends, colleagues and families. In these times if you are feeling down or alone struggling to understand or wondering what to do – call someone, write it down or email it. Please don’t hide it, be brave, own you and look to the future it’s there, it may be hard, but it’s there and you control what becomes of it.